We’ve put together some over-the-counter humor to brighten your day.
Pharmacists play a critical role in patient care and often do it with humor to lighten the day’s stresses. We’re celebrating the unique wit of pharmacists with some funny medical-themed jokes inspired by real life. We hope they make you smile.
One liners
- Tablets were replaced by scrolls, scrolls were replaced by books. Now we scroll through books on tablets.
- A customer who always buys his lenses from us asked me to put this notice up on our window – “To the person who stole my glasses – We will find you… We have contacts!”
- A man came into our pharmacy and asked me if his mole looked suspicious. I said they all look like that and that he should have just left it in the garden.
- My friend’s wife just gave him a “Get Better” card. He said “But I’m not sick!” She said “No, but you could get better!”
- What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires a tweetment and the other an oinkment.
- One customer told me he had passed both his Bachelor’s and Master’s with first-class honors but failed his Ph.D exam twice. He asked me for something for his third-degree burns.
Rejected job application – wonder why?
“Before I applied for the position as manager in the pharmacy, I tried chicken farming, but I was a complete failure. I’m still not sure if I buried them too deep, or too far apart.”
Anti-depressants
- A sailor came into our pharmacy and asked for something that could help his wife, when she was feeling depressed. I sold him a packet of Crayola and told to let her color-in his tattoos. I said all she needs is a shoulder to crayon.
- A Mexican tourist asked our pharmacist to give him some anti-anxiety medications. Unfortunately, we have nothing to treat hispanic attacks.
Expert opinions
- A woman brings a duck to the vet. The vet says “Your duck is dead”. The woman says “Are you sure?” The vet answers: “Yes – that is my professional opinion”. The woman complains: “How can you be sure – you’ve done no tests. I want a second opinion!” The vet brings in a Labrador retriever, which sniffs the duck and shakes its head. Next, he brings in a cat that sniffs the duck and shakes its head. The vet says “Sorry, but as I said your duck is dead”. He hands woman the bill. She cries, “$820 to tell me my duck is dead!”. The vet says “If you had taken my word for it, the bill would be $20, but referals for Lab Reports and Cat Scans cost extra.”
- A man went to the doctors complaining of hearing problems. After chatting with him, the doctor said “I don’t find any problems with your hearing…can you describe the symptoms?” The man replied “Homer’s stupid and Marge has blue hair. They have three kids – Bart, Lisa and Maggie.”
Keeping it punny
- My doctor warned me that I was becoming addicted to brake fluid, but I said I can stop anytime.
- Did you hear about the large paprika shipment that got stolen? The police asked hospitals to look out for seasoned criminals.
- Have you heard about the miracle cure of a blind carpenter? He picked up his hammer and saw!
- What did the doctor say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own wound? Suture self!
- I didn’t believe the chiropractor when he said he could improve my posture. But now I stand corrected.
- The emergency room treated a glass blower who’d accidentally inhaled? Now he’s got stomach pane.
- A man fell into an upholstery machine. But it’s OK, he’s fully recovered.
Finally – a tribute to our founder. His friend just installed ethernet in his home in Sydney. Saul just can’t wait to visit the LAN down under.
Mind what you say #1
On his 74th birthday, a chief got a gift certificate from his loyal council, that paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. Since this had been a problem he suffered from for years, he quickly he rode to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and ordered the miracle cure.
The medicine man produced a potion, handed it to him, but warned him, “Chief – this is powerful medicine. It must be taken carefully. When you are ready, you take only one teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.” The chief was encouraged, but had one more question. He turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?” “The woman must say ‘1-2-3-4,'” he responded, “but beware – when she says this, the medicine will not work again until next full moon.”
The chief was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!”
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, but then she stopped and asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, dear customers, is why we learned that we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Mind what you say #2
A man walks into a pharmacy with a giant rabbit hopping behind him. He tells the pharmacist, “I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is your hair growth formula works. The bad news is that you really need to check the spelling in your ads!”
The Pharmacy Dating Profile
A customer joked, “If I were a medication, I’d be labeled ‘use with caution.’”
The pharmacist chuckled, “Funny, my last date said the same thing. Turns out, she’d been warned that dating a pharmacist can have side effects.”
The Pick-Up Line
A man walked up to the pharmacy counter and said, “Hi, I’m here to see if you have anything that will make me irresistible to women.” The pharmacist looked at him, raised an eyebrow, and handed him a bottle. “Here’s some mouthwash—let’s start there.”
Payment methods
A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for chapstick. The pharmacist asks, “Credit card or cash?” “Neither,” says the duck, “just put it on my bill.”
The Customer Confession
A man came to pick up a refill and whispered, “I need some advice… my girlfriend’s parents believe I’m a pharmacist.” The real pharmacist raised an eyebrow, “Why would you tell them that?” The man shrugged, “Thought it sounded better than ‘aspiring DJ.’”
Help, please
At a medical symposium, a doctor is preparing to give his speech on a new form of treatment that could save many lives. He has a terrible memory and gets nervous quite easily, so he writes his notes beforehand.
When he finally gets on stage in front of hundreds of doctors and scientists to present his discovery, he is horrified to realize he left his glasses behind and cannot read any of his notes!
After a moment of silence, he asks, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”
Secret to a Good Night’s Sleep
An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control powder that I can dissolve.”
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a while and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control powder that can dissolve?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world does birth control help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I dissolve them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”
A brief history of Pharmacy: “Patient – I have a stomach ache.”
- 200 BC – “Here, eat this root.”
- 350 AD – “That root is heathen. Recite this prayer.”
- 1850 AD – “That prayer is superstition. Drink this potion.”
- 1940 AD – “That potion is poison. Swallow this pill.”
- 1985 AD – “That pill is ineffective. Take this antibiotic.”
- 2000 AD – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
One-liners
Where do New Yorkers get their cholesterol meds? Statin Island.
Sometimes, when we hand a customer a bottle of metronidazole, we say, “This bottle can break easily because it’s Flagyl!”
Love is like asthma; it takes your breath away!
